Do not trust this man

Survival Week: Zombie Apocalypse Guide

Drawn by Kaiser Machead
She's probably going to kill you, pansy.

*Yes, it’s been done before. But not by me. You are about to read the ultimate guide to surviving a zombie outbreak.*

First, a few assumptions:

There are zombies. Zombies are contagious, hungry, and not functioning to full capacity. For the purposes of this guide, they are infected with a virus that controls the basic functions of the brain, and lack the full mental power that they may or may not have had during the first stage of their life.

There are survivors. They are scared, jittery, and probably trigger happy. Thanks to the extreme amount of paranoia and adrenaline, they are just barely smarter than the zombies. They are also physically fit. Everyone has to run from zombies at some point, and that fat guy that works the drive thru at Arby’s probably didn’t make it.

A good start
Good, now go get ammo.

Now, onto the end of your life. Yes, you’re going to die. Not sure how, but it happens. You’ll think a lot about your death in the first few seconds after you realize that your neighbor is now hungry, undead, and (still) a douchebag. He didn’t even return your chainsaw, which would have made dispatching him easier. The spatula worked, but you need to gear up. Lock all exterior entrances to your home, and cover the windows. Keep the sounds to a minimum. Check on your family. If your wife/husband is at work, too bad. Your emotions need to be locked away for a long time.

Go to your bedroom and gather clothes. They need to fit in a duffel bag that you can sling over your shoulder. Ensure you have one set for every season, and bring boots and tennis shoes. Cargo pants are preferable. Grab an extra duffel bag and head to the garage, grabbing the two biggest knives from your kitchen first. Elapsed time since Zombie Bill’s arrival at your door: 5 minutes.

Source : Years of Training

4 thoughts on “Survival Week: Zombie Apocalypse Guide

  1. Only one severe problem with this guide.
    You are not going to be the only one headed to the armory. Places that will be swarmed by the survivors will be churches, hospitals, shopping malls, (thanks Hollywood), and military installations of any kind. If you head to an armory, you can expect to find it surrounded by swarms of the living, which will only draw the dead in faster.

    A better plan is to stockpile all your supplies ahead of time. And, with a few simple modifications, a good quality SUV can replace the Hummer. (turret mounted machine gun still optional, but recommended)
    Guns, ammo, gas, food and water will be the first things to disappear from the stores when the zombies come knocking. Camping gear will be the next to go.
    And, I know you’ve all seen or read “The Walking Dead”, but you really don’t want to grab an RV for your vehicle. There is no way you’ll ever find the gas to run it.

    And, you’ll want to plan ahead. KNow where you’re going before you head out. And, make sure you have alternate destinations incase you can’t get to the one you want, or find it too crowded once you get there.

    I’ll also dispute the trust no one statement. If you go solo, the majority of people will go insane from the combination of the isolation and hordes of zombies roaming around.
    Never just trust anyone at first glance. Just because someone seems fine now, doesn’t mean they won’t turn in an hour or two. That’s not something you want to have happen when it’s their turn to watch and yours to sleep.
    Either find a trusted friend from the beginning to take with, or if you encounter someone on the road that seems fine, isolate them for 48 hours for their safety and yours before you start to trust them.

    Anyway, these are just a few of my suggestions.

    Um…not that I’ve ever thought about this…..because…um…zombies aren’t, y’know….real.
    I think I’ll go check my stockpile now. Just to…see if it’s still there.

    1. National Guard armories are relatively unknown.
      Also, I was originally going to write “Only trust people who have served in combat with you” but that basically means over 90% of the audience is f**ked.

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