NoiseDraft: Terrible ideas for a video game

Welcome to another weekly episode of the NoiseDraft, a completely made up mock draft for your reading pleasure. Each week the topic changes and each week the selection order changes. Feel free to continue the draft in the comments below! Just remember, once something has been chosen, you can’t choose it again!

There’s a lot of good video games that have been coming out recently. A bit too many good games if you ask me. We have a feeling that the creativity well might run dry for developer soon, as it has with Hollywood. Unfortunately, this means that crappy video games are on the way. In order to help out the dev community, we decided to come up with a list of ideas that should never ever be made into a video game. You know, just to help point game devs in the right direction and all.

1. Agrippa – We Dare for the Wii

At first it seems like a good idea for a game, then you realize it’s a terrible horrible idea that won’t end well (especially if you’re male and only have guy friends or any friends at all, as is the case with most gamers. *trollface.jpg*). Now the same game on the Kinect? I’m listening…

2. Ron – Tax Pro ULTRA!

File taxes like a boss! Rack up deductions to unlock bonus filing cabinets and pens! Challenge a friend online and see who can get the biggest tax return! Just don’t cheat the system, or Uncle Sam will audit your broke ass. (Requires Kinect Motion Sensor, Wii Motion Plus, or PlayStation Move Controller)
Kevlar: This is exactly what I feel like every year.

3. Kevlar – Porn Studio Tycoon

You start out as an 18 year old college freshman with an alcoholic girlfriend and some server space. As you manage your cast and crew, you get sued by people who “don’t remember” signing their consent form, you get to ensure all of your actors get tested, and you have to compete with pirates uploading your videos on redtube. No matter how well you do as a studio, your character always ends up a broken, sex-drive-less 40 year old with a drug addiction.

4. Vitto – REMF: The Game

You play as Lieutenant Terry Glick, newest commissioned officer of Delta Company, 5th Infantry pision, Vietnam. Your goal is to spend the entire war holed up inside the wire, never leaving the relative safety of your tented area. Play up your strengths, like filing reports and requesting resupply shipments. If you go out on a patrol something bad could happen, and then who would get more ammo to the unit? You’ll constantly be under attack not only from the Vietcong trying to infiltrate your camp, but also from higher ranking inpiduals looking for patrol leaders. If you manage to survive your 2 year tour without leaving the wire you are rewarded with free DLC that allows you to live out the rest of your years after Vietnam telling everyone stories of your heroic deeds in the jungle. Should you find yourself on a patrol, you’ll definitely end up dead due to your lack of experience. When you die, be it from stepping on a landmine or being shot by a sniper, your console will explode littering the room with fragments of metal and plastic. Just for good measure, your Xbox Live account will be permanently deleted as well.

5. Ben – Install Wizard

A classic style adventure game where you, the mighty software mage, on a quest for the magical relic “Button of Next.” Solve of ancient riddle of System Requirements and take fate into your own hands with the Installation Options. Will you choose typical, full, minimal, or the mysterious custom? Finally, face off against the formidable EULA in a battle of wits! He wants you to accept his terms and conditions, but you have other plans. And remember to look out for the expansion pack later next year: Uninstall Shield.

6. Steven – Chris Hansen’s To Catch a Predator

Based off of the hit TV show, play as an underage boy or girl carousing the internet looking for sexual predators to lure into Chris Hansen’s trap! Customize your lolita or lolito’s age, appearance, special skills, and degree of innocence! Use your crafty persuasive skills to meet people online and try to lure the predators that are sneaking around in chatrooms! Difficulty increases with each level as the predators become more suspicious and devious. Watch out for the Candy Van that comes by your house! Beat all the levels to win the game and help Chris Hansen catch all the predators, once and for all!

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