Survival Week: The Definitive Reaver Survival Guide

Well look at Mr. tough britches over here. You thought since you were a nobody ‘n the central planets you’d ride out on the next boat to one of the outer colonies well outside Alliance reach and make yer fortune. You probably felt mighty fancy when you settled yer own farm and raised yer first crop. You reckon a few trinkets sent back to yer papi showing how you done come up’ll make up for the lonely nights and copious amounts or mudders milk. What you weren’t figurin’ on was the danger to your skin on account of them gorram Reavers. You pray nice n’ hard to whatever you believe in that little baby Buddha protects you and keeps you feelin’ mighty for the storm coming. There’s a few basic tips that you should remember if you want to survive any Reaver encounter.

  1. You won’t survive a Reaver encounter. Partly because your boss told you to leave the grenades behind, partly because, well, they are Reavers.
  2. Always make sure you are traveling with people who are slower than you/are more rape-able/look tastier. Reavers will go after these suckers first, allowing you a few more precious seconds to crap yourself before they rape you to death.
  3. Travel with a creepy crazy girl who has been trained as a government assassin and can kick ass (in her lucid moments). She is the only person in the entire ‘verse that can take on a group of Reavers and come out grinning. She might be a little creepy at times, but hey, would you rather feel weird eating dinner with her or feel weird getting raped and eaten by a Reaver? (Seriously, psycho lady who smiles at you or psycho man who eats your face? Go with the hotter one.)
See? Creepy girl wins

If travelling with your little assassin child isn’t an option, you should find a nice big mountain to live in for the rest of your life. If you never encounter anyone, you can’t encounter a Reaver. Problem solved. It might get lonely, but at least you won’t end up as a pair of assless chaps.

Fighting Reavers on Land

Now, I’m sure that most people who need to survive won’t have had the common sense to read this guide before they hear someone screaming “REAVERS!” If you’re reading this as Reavers are kicking in your door, have I ever got good news for you!


Lingerie for this guy

That’s right! This is the consequence for trying to scratch out a living on some terraformed rock floating out in the middle of nowhere, you selfish bastard. The Alliance isn’t going to help your sorry ass, anyone with half a brain is going to be barricaded somewhere decently safe, so unless you can come up with a really fantastic Reaver killing method in the next few seconds, say goodbye to your skin. You’re about to become a new lingerie set.

The best way to avoid getting raped to death, eaten and having your skin made into clothes is to stay at home, assuming that your home is on one of the cushy inner planets. If you’re too poor to live in paradise, you should get off your ass and inherit a fortune. C’mon, rich people do it all the time, so why can’t you?

If you absolutely MUST fight Reavers on land, there are a number of “safe” ways to do so.

  1. Shoot them in the head from very far away with really big bullets that explode, or with really powerful lasers. Really big lasers.
  2. Blow them up. Trick them into landing in a village, and level that fucking place. You may not have a house afterwards, but the Reavers won’t have a corporeal form.
  3. Run them over. Take whatever vehicle you can find, get it going nice and fast, and then turn the Reavers into jam. Be warned, if any of them manage to get into the vehicle with you, you most probably will die.

Don’t even consider hand to hand combat, Reavers don’t seem to mind getting stabbed, and that won’t work too well for you. Now, if you happen to own a suit of armor, as well as a tank, you can probably take them one on one. If the Reavers are being backed up by ships, you can still attack them. The one real advantage you have when fighting the Reavers is that they want to take you alive, so they won’t try to kill you right away. If you can get enough distance between you and them, and you don’t run out of ammo, you can survive a Reaver assault.

So, easy as pie.

Fighting Reavers Underwater

There are no records to indicate that Reavers have ever attacked anyone underwater, so if you stay submerged for your whole life, you should be just fine. Drowned, but not raped, eaten and skinned.

Fighting Reavers in Space

Now that you know you have no chance if you have to fight Reavers on land, you should also know why you’re screwed in space. If you happen to be lucky enough to own a ship and unlucky enough to encounter a Reaver ship, you’ve got a few options.

  1. Run. If you own the fastest hunk of junk in the ‘verse, than you may have a chance of putting the pedal to the metal and getting the hell outa Dodge. If you do escape, then sell your ship and retire to a nice quiet inner planet. No one survives more than one encounter with a Reaver.
  2. Fight. If the Reavers are flying about in a little piece of shit, and you happen to be riding around in an Alliance cruiser, vaporize those fuckers. If you’re in anything less, don’t bother shooting, it will just make them angrier.
  3. Hide. If you can convince the Reavers that you’re also a Reaver, then they might just let you go without boarding your ship. Before you pass near a Reaver vessel, you should unshield your reactor. It sounds suicidal, and it is, but the worst the radiation can do is give you cancer, which is a hell of a lot better than being turned into lace panties.
  4. Combine some of the above tactics. Hide until you can get close to the Reavers, plant a bomb on their hull, and then RUN. If you don’t blow them to hell, they’ll blow you (not in the good way).
Yeah, this sexy bitch

If you ever find yourself amidst more than one Reaver ship, your only real option is number 3, followed by number 1. Anything else will get you raped and eaten, with your ship destroyed. The bottom line: If you ever see a Reaver, you’re about to have a really bad day and most likely your mutilated corpse will be made into an article of suggestive clothing, which will be worn by this guy.

Try the handy Reaver survival test below to determine how much you’ve learned.

A Reaver is running across the room toward you, with the intention of turning you into juicy steak lunch. You have a dull knife. What do you do?

A) Run at the Reaver, screaming and try to stab it in the neck. Then get eaten alive.

B) Commit Harakiri

C) Stab yourself as many times as possible, and shout “Try to make a fucking thong now!”

D) Crap your pants

Answers: (C is most preferred; B and D are both acceptable alternatives.)

4 thoughts on “Survival Week: The Definitive Reaver Survival Guide”

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  2. Eric Johnston

    Reavers ain’t no machine, and they ain’t no alien. They’re just men who looked out on the edge of space, saw nothing, and went mad. Oh, and they got dusted by some Alliance compound that was supposed to make ’em all docile and such, ‘cept for the ones that went all crazy and murderous. And the one good thing about a man, crazy or not, is he’s might susceptible to bullets. So, always stay well armed, be a good shot, and save the last bullet for yourself. Shiny.

  3. Pingback: It’s Been Real Folks

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