Survival Week: The Things That Go Bump in the Night


You were maybe 4 years old, a night like any other. Mom told you to go to bed but you snuck downstairs and tuned to BBC to catch an episode of Doctor Who. It was an episode with the Daleks and you watched in horror as those fearsome tin cans of pure hate brought humanity to the brink. Your mother caught you, for reasons you don’t quite understand, cowering behind the sofa, and marched you straight to bed.

It was the first time your eyes were open to the horrors of the world, the dark things that lurk in the night. That was the first time your eyes were open to the dark, and the dark looked back at you. We were haunted by the ghouls that went bump in the night. They lived in our closets and under our beds, coming out at night to take us away. Our parents never believed us and it’s really a wonder we survived. It’s a wonder that we grew up and forgot. Well you’ve denied the truth long enough.

In your closet and under your bed is the nexus of a portal to a dark and ghoulish place. All the things you feared are real; they know your name, and they want to get you. This guide should be memorized, even as an adult. Children should be made to recite it. It is of vital importance, there is more at stake than you realize.

Know Your Enemy

The real world inside the closet is dark, repressed, and full of pain

Before you can learn can win a war, you must first know your enemy and the lay of the land. Likewise, if you are to survive an encounter with the denizens of the Otherworld within your closet, you must know the most common threat you will face. Let me dispel the most obvious myth first. We don’t live in magical fancy la-di-da land. Within your closet is NOT THE MAGICAL LAND OF NARNIA. Aslan is a story told to lure children into feeling comfortable with being molested by furries. Let’s get down to business.

Types of Ghouls

Screamers: They make a lot of scary noises. No one’s really sure what they want because they tend to vanish when adults walk by. *heavy breathing, slow heavy steps, clawing, etc

Snatchers: They are here to take you away. No one knows where because few one’s ever come back. Those that return are left mute and mentally vacant, presumably due to the horrors. Snatchers tend to stalk and materialize out of the shadows to snatch you up and drag you under the bed or into the closet and beyond.

Tormenters: They exist to torture and hurt you. When night falls and you’re alone, they come for you and rather than take you away, they scare you and hurt you. Look for bruises and bite marks. There is even, on occasion, a sexual component to them. Tormenters will sometimes take the guise of someone you recognize, like your step father or a priest. Just in case, you might want to tell the cops about this one.

This is a Peeper. She will kill everything you love.

Peepers: Unlike the traditional ghouls, these ones live in the corner of your eye and can only be caught in glimpses in your mirror. They take the guise of little kids (barely), always looking upset and pale and hungry. They capture your soul and use your inattention to crawl out to freedom where they slaughter all that you love before killing you slowly.

Growlers: Don’t worry, that’s just someone snoring, stop being a little scaredy cat and go back to bed.

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