Survival Week: How to survive a Dalek invasion

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

The Daleks. One of the most feared races in the universe. Bred to feel only hate, they seek to eradicate all inferior (i.e. non-Dalek) lifeforms. No matter how many times they are seemingly defeated by the Doctor, they always find a way to survive and continue to make life difficult. Although they look like walking trash cans and talk like Stephen Hawking on uppers, they are a force to be reckoned with. Their main weapons are a laser beam capable of killing you instantly, and… a plunger. But don’t be fooled, that plunger can crush your goddamn skull.

There are very few effective defenses against an oncoming Dalek assault, so first off let’s cover what you SHOULDN’T do.

Warning: the following guide may contain spoilers. If you’re squeamish about that sort of thing, stop reading now.

1) Reason

Like I already said, the only emotion a Dalek knows is hatred. You’re not going to be able to convince a Dalek to spare your pathetic human life by appeal or bargaining. The only thing it wants from you is to die. And Daleks are very good at getting what they want.

2) Run up the stairs

You might think, given a Dalek’s design, you could easily escape by going upstairs. They don’t seem terribly mobile, do they? Well guess what, punk: Daleks can fucking fly.

Run up as many flights of stairs as you want, it’s just going to follow you. Oh and look, now you’re trapped. Doesn’t seem like such a brilliant strategy anymore, does it? Good job, genius.

3) Shoot it

Dalek armor is made out of an extremely strong material called (ugh) Dalekanium that is nearly impenetrable by human weaponry. You might get lucky by shooting it directly in the eye-stalk, but you’re better off trying to escape than standing your ground. It is, however, worth noting that this can work under very specific situations. For example, if you have a really, really, really, big gun.

4) Surrender to the Cybermen

There is a slight chance that the Cybermen may try to overtake humanity at the same time as the Daleks. The Cybermen are yet another race of cyborgs devoid of emotion, but unlike the Daleks they seek to assimilate human beings rather than destroy them. It might seem like a good idea then to submit and allow yourself to be “upgraded,” becoming a Cyberman yourself. After all, Cybermen are equipped with lasers and armor of their own. Unfortunately, you’re still majorly outclassed by the Daleks and they’re going to exterminate your metal ass anyway.

Talk about a deck stacked against you. Outlook is looking pretty grim, eh? But don’t worry, here are a few strategies that could actually prove useful:

1) Talk. And talk. And talk some more.

Daleks have a bad habit of listening to long, drawn out, speeches. So filibuster away. The more you keep talking the longer you stay alive. You might buy yourself some valuable time for someone much more clever than you to actually do something useful.

2) “My vision is impaired, I cannot see!”

What you see of a Dalek isn’t actually its body, it’s essentially a tank that the Dalek sits inside of. Daleks are actually small, almost octopus-like, mutants completely sealed off from the outside world. As such, that eye/camera is its only source  of input for its surroundings.

If you can take that out, it will be pretty much helpless. Don’t think it’ll be as easy as covering the lens in paint though. Somebody tried that once and it didn’t work at all; the Dalek just boiled it off.

On a related note, Daleks also have terrible peripheral vision, so exploit that fact as you see fit.

3) Look into the heart of the Tardis, become the Bad Wolf

Consider this an extremely last ditch effort, but if you adsorb the Time Vortex you will essentially become a god. With a wave of your hand you can erase the Daleks from existence itself.

As an added bonus, you can even bring people back to life (and render them immortal in the process). On the downside, your mind is probably gonna burn up and you’ll die. So that kinda sucks I guess.

Frankly, unless your name is the Doctor (or you’re one of his companions), you’re pretty much fucked. On the bright side, at least your death will be quick (no guarantee on painless). And worst comes to worst, you can always hide behind the sofa. Just remember, whatever you do… don’t blink (Wait, no. Wrong thing. Go ahead and blink). Good luck, and allons-y!

Doctor Who, the Daleks, and the Cybermen are all registered trademarks of the BBC and used without permission. Please don’t sue us. :(