Survival Week: The Werewolf and You.

Enter The Werewolf

When it comes to werewolves, there’s no such thing as too prepared. Werewolves are vicious, nasty creatures that have hunted man since the days of yore. Many believe that the werewolf is a mutation of an average man that only occurs during specific lunar phases. Others believe that werewolves are the product of the mating of a common man and a domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris). Some even believe that there is no such thing as werewolves, but they’re just saying that because they are werewolves, and they’re using werewolf mind tricks to divert your attention. Literally every single person who says “I don’t believe in werewolves” is, in fact, a werewolf. No matter what you believe, the werewolf is easily the most dangerous thing ever, period. In the following article, I’ll attempt to show you the best ways to combat this ferocious fiend and totally win over that hottie you’ve had your eye on.

Tap the Rockies.

The Silver Bullet Theory

For years, many have believed that the only defense against a rabid werewolf is a silver bullet. In recent years though, researchers have found that Coors Light is not only ineffective, but it actually creates what is now known as a fratwolf. A fratwolf is more dangerous than the common werewolf, because it is armed with Rohypnol and an extensive knowledge of Dave Matthews Band b-sides. If the wolf part doesn’t kill you, the overdose on Rohypnol and useless arguments about Dave Matthews albums probably will. Fratwolves aside, the werewolf is enough of a threat on its own. So let’s focus on that.


When dealing with a werewolf you must keep in mind that this is an animal. Even if it morphed from a somewhat intelligent human, brain activity is significantly diminished when the transformation occurs. The werewolf relies heavily on animal instinct. With that in mind, it is safe to assume that we are smarter than a werewolf, but thats the only advantage we have. Werewolves are faster, more agile, and they have a much sweeter beard than you ever will. So keep these things in mind when dealing with a werewolf. To out-smart one, you must  best its brain and its braun, with your brain.

The common werewolf has very specific weak points. Focus on these in battle to ensure you inflict the most damage possible; you’ll also gain the more experience points in the game of life. Key areas of weakness include the eyes, joints, throat, and taint. For those unfamiliar, the taint is the weird area of skin between your “gentlemen’s grapes” and your… eh-hem… your balloon knot… Moving on, focusing on these key areas will ensure you maintain the upper hand against your opponent.

GTFO & Cover Your Tracks

Battling aside, the best course of action would be to outsmart the werewolf and escape. If you do manage to get caught in battle, you can focus on those key weak points I just talked about, but let’s be honest here… It’s a freakin werewolf… You’re screwed man. I mean, honestly, what did you expect.

So instead of throwing your life away, try getting the hell out of there. Keep in mind, a werewolf, like most canis creatures, has a superb sense of smell. So from here on out, I want you carrying a bottle of fox urine at all times. No excuses! Werewolves have no interest in foxes because, well, no one gives a shit about foxes. So to mask your tracks, pour some fox urine on the ground and the werewolf will be all like “Ah man, a stupid fox, I don’t want that thing to talk to me all day, I’m out.” You’ll be out of there, scot-free, in no time. It’s really the safest course of action. Literally nobody likes foxes.

What happens if you forgot your fox urine though?

Well first of all, you’re an idiot. I told you to carry it with you at all times. Did you think I was kidding? Like I just say these things for the hell of it? What’s wrong with you. You know what, forget it, just forget it… Moving on.

Werewolves, and in fact all animals in the canis family have a curious reaction when exposed to dubstep music. Dubstep, for those who are unaware, is a form of electronic music with slower, pulsating beats and heavy synth sounds. The combination of which has been known to put members of the canis family in a deep trance, rendering them incapable of attacking. See example below:

I suggest you start creating a generous playlist of dubstep on your portable music player so you may sacrifice it to the werewolf in the event of an attack. Don’t say I didn’t warn you… Or you can just forget to carry that too.. Just like the fox urine. Jerk.

Without a doubt, the best approach to ensuring that you will not die at the hands of a werewolf is to kill yourself, but since that’s not keeping in the spirit of survival, I guess you could try carrying around a bat with a nail in it or something. You could be all like “Come get some werewolf,” and hide the bat behind your back. Then, when the stupid wolf lunges at you for the kill, BAM, right in the face. He’ll probably run away crying or something… Stupid werewolf.

Now the most important part;

Winning Over That Hottie

Dude, I have to be honest, I think she’s a little out of your league. Yeah, you totally rocked that werewolf in the face, but still, she’s like way hot. You haven’t got a snowballs chance in hell on that one. Good luck though.

6 thoughts on “Survival Week: The Werewolf and You.”

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  2. I don’t actually have any fox urine… But I did manage to collect some piss from Bear Grylls before he could drink it. I hear that is a good substitute.

  3. Little known fact – you can substitute the urine of Crash Bandicoot if you don’t have fox urine. Don’t ask me how to get Crash Bandicoot’s urine – I’m not going to do everything for you, slacker.

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