Vampires have been known to terrorize pop culture since John Polidori’s The Vampyre way back in 1819. Since the early 19th century though, the vampire has changed and remained the same all in the pursuit of a tall drink… your blood.
The vampire is not a new threat by any means. The ever reliable source of all information and human knowledge, Wikipedia, suggests that tales of vampires predate written history. Thankfully for us, we’ve not only written about it but we’ve put it on film (and the internet) so we’ve got a fighting chance.
Identifying the vampire
First thing’s first, you must identify the enemy if you want to know how to defeat it. Thanks to the magic of literature (hey didn’t we just write two stories about books?) and movies we have broken down all the possible vampires you’ll face into 4 easily distinguishable (stereo)types:
- Type D (The Dracula Type) – This type of vampire is the most stereotypical; usually found donning a cape, greased back hair, speaks with a funny accent. Usually out and about at night seeking out some young tail. Really I think they’d be happy if left alone. It should be stressed that there are female vampires; they are no less stereotypical and no less in pursuit of young tail. Type D’s are usually found in castles, tombs, crypts, and graves. Old ball alert: Nosferatu are deformed Type D’s but still rock a cape and snatch up virgins from the town at the foot of the castle. That’s just how they roll.
- Bio-Types – Oh the wonderful things science has brought. Computers, cell phones, transcontinental flight, and vampires. Wait? WTF? Vampires? Yup! Here we have vampirism as a disease, the result of man’s quest for knowledge, eternal youth, a cure gone awry. When some apocalyptic pandemic claims all but a handful of humans this is what you get: deformed, super strong, always hungry, not-quite-capable-of-thought monsters that were once human. Sure you may want to save them, but really they have a face only a mother could love.
- Twilight Types – Really these are self-explanatory. You find them at malls, behind the local high school, or in Hot Topic. They wear black and have black nail polish. They’re dreary souls and life hates them. They dwell in pathetic hovels, maybe in a mom’s basement somewhere. They’re not quite Goths, they’re not quite bloggers, but they’re all that’s wrong with both aforementioned groups.
- Dhampirs – half-breeds with one human parent and one vampire parent. We’ll go into more detail but here’s what you need to know: All the vampire powers, none of their weakness.
What kills vampires
The general consensus is that sunlight will kill vampires. Sure sounds easy enough; in the event of the vampire apocalypse, wait them out and when the sun comes up, you’ve made it. But what happens when you’re faced with an extended period of night a la 30 Days of Night?
Well that depends on the type of vampire you’re up against. Just like each archetype of vampire has distinguishing features, each type is able to be killed in a very convoluted yet somehow connected sort of way.
Type D’s require magic or some other items associated with the occult. Since this is the vampire we most associate with Bram Stoker and other classic monster literature/movies, we know exactly what we need: stakes, silver bullets, garlic. Some Type D’s require a very specific means of doing them in, such as stakes that are made from “the original cross” or made of a specific type of wood (the hipsters of the vampire world? Maybe).
If you’re not the religious type, now’s a good time to get acquainted with one. Preferably Christianity as it seems vampires don’t like going to church, looking at crosses, or white Jesus. I have not been able to confirm or deny if vampires will not touch Pope Benedict XVI as he may very well be a vampire himself.
Bio-Types are a lot more fun to dispatch. What you will need is a penchant for violence here. Got a knife, large rock, swords, guns, etc? You got a chance. The biggest problem you’ll face here is that in the event of a Bio-Type apocalypse you’ll probably be one of the last remaining humans. You may think you’re killing what was once a man, woman, child but in truth they’re nothing more than (literally) blood-thirsty killing machines with really bad eczema. So hack away. Take some target practice. Just plain ol’ give em hell.
Twilight Types oh how they bitch and moan. Your kid sister probably thinks they are all kinds of hawte (thanks @GitEmSteveDave) and just the bees knees, but I assure you this is the worst kind of vampire. They will bore you to death with pseudo-existential dribble, the Book of Mormon, and focus their attacks by overtaking pop culture. They’ll take over your local networks (Vampire Diaries) and even your favorite cable channel (TrueBlood).
Fear not dear reader, for these are the wimpiest of the vampire hoard. This threat can be thwarted by snatching away their 10-sided die at role playing meet ups, sending them to boot camp, or simply giving them a corporate job. Then they will know what it means to be a soulless shell of a human being.
Hey What About Those Dhampir?
Yeah, about those guys. Look, they’re not quite vampires; in fact, pop culture tells me they actually hate vampires (daddy issues I’m guessing). But they are actually your best chance of surviving the vampire apocalypse. Since they have all the strengths of vampires (i.e. super human strength, senses, agility), find yourself one and have them do all the heavy lifting. Sure the Dhampir of movies (Blade) and video games (Rayne from BloodRayne) aren’t too fond of us regular humans; there’s usually one or two that they let tag along.
Look, if you’ve found yourself in a vampire apocalypse you probably don’t have access to the internet any more. This sucks for you and will greatly reduce your chances for survival, so commit the following to memory:
- Know your enemy – the four types. There were more kinds of Pokemon and you took the time to learn all those. So grow up and learn about four kinds of vampire.
- They don’t like sun, are allergic violence, and hate white Jesus (probably because he was a zombie).
- Free Wesley Snipes. He’s your last chance.