Noiseclass 101: How to do… something

Welcome peasants, to the very first installment of Noiseclass; the new segment where we teach you how to be less of a failure in your everyday life. You don’t like being a failure, do you? I didn’t think so. Now listen up. Today we’re going to be covering a very important topic. Maybe the most important topic of them all.

This is how to do… something.

Art by Robert “Kaiser Machead” Alicea


Step 1: Think about what you want to do

What’s your idea? No, that’s a stupid idea. Pick another one. Don’t do the same old thing as everybody else. Be original for once you insufferable cur.

Step 2: Gather your materials.

You’re probably going to need some supplies. So get them now. It’s a pain in the ass to keep stopping to get something, so be prepared. You know, like a Boy Scout. Or if you’re a girl, a Cookie Pusher.

Step 3: Get started.

You know that phrase, “Every journey begins with a single step?” That’s for hippies. Don’t ever say that. Nevertheless, you’ve gotta start sometime. So you might as well get off your ass already.

Step 4: Get distracted, dick around on the Internet.

This is important. Don’t forget about it. Repeat as necessary.

Step 5: ???????

Tired cliches are a vital step in the creative process. Be warned, however: profit is not guaranteed and should probably not be expected in the first place.

Step 6: Review your work.

Look back over at what you’ve done and give yourself an honest analysis. Would your mother be proud? Well that doesn’t count for jack. What does your mom know, really.

Step 7: Post it online, show off.

Now that you’re all done you’re gonna want some recognition. This is the part that we in the business call “blowing yourself.” If you get positive feedback, pretend to be humble. If not, cry yourself to sleep because nobody likes you.

Step 8: Do it all over again

What, you didn’t think you were gonna do one and that was it did you? Once you’ve started to create you have to keep doing it. You’ve raised everybody’s expectations and now you’re a slave to the process. Turn that wheel, Conan.

So there you have it. Take this advice to heart and use it wisely. It’s dangerous to go alone.

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