Bluetooth and My Feelings of Self Importance

For the longest time I refused to get a bluetooth because of the people I saw using them. We all know the type: guy in his mid 30s, suit and tie, walking through public area with that little piece of plastic in his ear, spewing business jargon at the top of his lungs.

So it goes without saying that I don’t like that guy. In fact, I hate him. First of all, if you’re walking around, just put the stupid phone to your face and talk. You have two free hands and the thought of holding 5 ounces to your face is that troubling? I hate you, but I digress. This article is not a rant about people I hate. Well… It is…. but it’s not about other about people I hate. It’s about how I hate myself.

So my company gave me one of these.

It mounts to your sun visor in the car and connects to a cell phone via bluetooth (duh). It works really well and I have absolutely no complaints about the technology in this little device. In fact, I prefer this over the ear bud style bluetooth devices because the few times I’ve used them, they never seemed to work well. This thing is different. The microphone picks me up very well, the person I’m talking to is loud enough to be heard over the noise of the road. It all works exactly as advertised.

There’s just one problem: How it makes me feel. Every time I use it, every single time, this feeling comes over me. I don’t know why, but this wave of smug self importance rushes through my veins and suddenly, I’m that guy. I want to put on a suit, grab an attache (yeah, I used attache) and go to Starbucks for my double venti skinny no foam sugar-free blah blah latte.

I’ve created a monster.

So I started really thinking about the problem. Why does it make me feel that way? Are the other douches who use bluetooth people who were just like me? Have they been exposed to bluetooth for too long to have any hope of being normal again? How long do I have?

In my self important opinion, I think it’s the fact that it works well. It’s a simple, intuitive device, that does exactly what I want it to. Suddenly I’m free to focus on the road while chatting it up with business associates. The fact that, as apple would say, it just works makes me feel good. It makes me feel happy. It makes me feel important.

I think it happens with other technology too, albeit, not as noticeable. When you get a new gadget that takes 2 minutes to set up and you never have to worry about it again, it makes you feel great. You’re a man (or woman) of the future. A tech guru. You’re awesome. You get wrapped in this feeling of accomplishment and you wear it on your sleeve. Unfortunately, to the people around you, you look like a dick. You are that guy.

So what can you do?

Kill yourself?

Sure, but that may be taking it too far. Try something else first.

Dial it back? Use it less?

Well sure, but if you’re in a state that requires you use one, you have no choice. Unless you have endless amounts of cash to pay off all those tickets.

Text instead?

Great idea, text while driving… No, don’t do that.

Give up, become a smug douche, and hope people like you the same?

I think that’s the only answer. Sooner or later, we’ll all be using bluetooth devices in our cars, and then while walking, and then while sitting. We’ll all become so self important, our heads will inflate to 4 times the normal size and we won’t be able to fit through normal sized doorways. We’ll have to make all the doors wider which will require great feats of engineering and massive amounts of federal funding. The country will be broke, forests will be raped for large amounts of wood for all the new moldings we’ll need. We’ll create new door widening jobs, sure, but at what cost I ask you?

At what cost?

We’ve gone too far. Technology will consume us all and our only salvation will be found in the mercy of our future robot overlords… This article totally went off on a weird tangent.

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