This Week in “Fuck You” – Lazy Americans

I never know what she's doing back there.
MA! THE MEATLOAF! FUCK!

Now before everyone gets their panties twisted about the title, I want you all to know that I understand that everyone has some inherent laziness about them. We all like to sleep in on the weekend. Sometimes we don’t want to shave. On occasion I won’t even put on pants for days at a time. In fact, fight now I’m sitting at my desk wearing nothing but a Speedo and a smile. And now that I’ve burned that image into your brain, we move on…

What I’m talking about here isn’t the average run-of-the-mill laziness that we all exhibit from time to time. I’m talking about the kind of laziness that is normally reserved for Jughead comics. This is a level of laziness that goes far beyond your personal bubble and starts to have an impact on other people. When you start adversely affecting the lives of people that would otherwise not have any interaction with you whatsoever, it might be time to reevaluate your activities (or your lack of activity) and adjust it so that you’re at least a tiny bit less of a waste of oxygen.

I live at the far northern part of New Jersey. Someone never sent out the memo that it’s Spring, and we got slapped with a nice fresh blanket of snow and ice earlier in the week. The day after the snowfall, I was driving out on the highway and everywhere I looked was another vehicle with a thick sheet of ice and snow on top of it while it was barreling down the road at 60+ miles per hour. Invariably the wind would get under these blankets of icy road grenades and fling them up and away from the vehicles that were carrying them and occasionally into other vehicles that were just trying to get to work. If you’re too lazy to clean off the top of your vehicle so that you don’t endanger the safety of the people around you, then you should have your fucking license revoked and be forced to take the bus everywhere. If you can afford the $50k Range Rover, quit being such a cheap bitch and spend another $20 and buy one of these to clean off the goddamn snow and ice so I don’t have to worry about it flying off and smashing my windshield. And before any of you run to the comments and say “That thing is only $10.95, stupid-head”, you forgot to add shipping which is another $8.85 stupid-head. Strangely enough, I don’t only see this on people with tall vehicles. Even the short vehicle owners are guilty of it and the saddest part is that the tall vehicles are clean far more often than the short ones. If you’re looking down at the top of your vehicle as you’re opening the door and you still don’t clean the snow off of the top, fuck you. Twice.

As upsetting as these people are, they aren’t the worst ones. I think I’m more confused by the people that will brush off the top of the car and then leave every other snowflake on the car. I lost count of the number of people I saw driving around with all of their windows completely covered in snow. What the hell is wrong with you people? Did you pull your license out of a box of cereal? Was it free when you mailed in 5 UPCs from your favorite snack cakes? You have a responsibility to the people around you to be aware of everything that’s happening on the road while you’re driving. You can’t possibly do that if you can’t fucking see the road.

Here in NJ, we have almost as many fucked up roads as we have fucked up drivers (just go straight to the bottom if you’re looking for New Jersey). That’s not really something that pisses me off. It’s just a function of living in a northern state. Snow and ice melt and get into road cracks, the water in the cracks freezes and expands at night making the cracks larger, blah blah blah… What grinds my gears (and the thing that set this off) is that I have seen a road crew every morning for almost 2 weeks sitting in the same spot “working on a bridge”. Why the quotations? Well that’s simple, really. Because if Japanese people can completely rebuild a bridge in a week, what the fuck are these New Jersey clowns doing? I’ll break this down for you because Google Translate can only do so much. There was an earthquake in Japan on the 11th, you might have heard about that. On the 12th, these people went to work. They were actually working though, not standing around with a hardhat on while leaning on some construction equipment. On the 19th, they reopened this stretch of highway. Look at those pictures. That road was completely fucked. 1 week later, people are driving on it again. Yet here in America we have road crews that will spends weeks working on a road and when they are done the road is just as bad as it was when they started.

Good game, America. You lazy pricks.

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