Survival Week: Robot apocalypse

A robot apocalypse is perhaps the most dangerous apocalypse that can hit the earth. Unlike other types of apocalypses, time is of critical essence in order for humanity to survive. Robots are far superior to humans in almost every way, regardless of what form they take. Be it cyborgs, androids, Skynet, or simple automatons, robots possess by default extraordinary physical resilience and intellectual prowess that dwarfs the abilities of the alpha-most humans that have ever graced this planet. If Will Smith tried to punch a robot in the face like he did to that alien in Independence Day, every single bone in his hand would fracture. Attacking a machine with a heavy object like a pipe would also be mildly effective as depicted in the Terminator movies.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t have weapons at our disposal that can counter such an attack. The earlier we counterattack the higher our chance of success will be, but with robots being able to perform complex calculations and make decisions in fractions of a second we might end up getting our hands dirty with combat. Believe it or not, the most useful weapons for fighting off robots are actually available to us today, so lets dig in and see how we can effectively repel any robotic threat that looms.

Induced Self-Destruction

More commonly referred to as “talking the computer to death,” this method relies on tangling up the machine in a logical fallacy. Since all robots are based off of a computer, they must follow a linear and logical thought process in order to function. The automaton must function logically based on its pre-programmed directives. It doesn’t understand morality but it does understand that it must function according to its parameters or it will cause a memory error or an overload. Think of the blue screen of death. Whenever the computer tries to perform an illegal operation it BSoDs and shuts down. The same applies to any computer-based machine (read: all robots). Should they perform or try to perform a function that they are not programmed to do they will stop functioning.

Induced self-destruction is a very difficult thing to achieve because you must out-think the robot in a logical manner. The biggest hurdle is getting the robot to engage in dialogue with you instead of outright killing you. The best robot to use this tactic on is an inanimate one such as a computer mainframe. Accessing the robot overlord’s central core via terminal or direct contact is necessary. Luck plays a heavy role here which is why this is a very high-risk maneuver. You are not only hoping that you will survive whatever barriers exist between you and your target, but that you will find some loophole in its programming that you can use against it. For example, if you discover that the primary function of the robot apocalypse is to destroy imperfect beings then you can try to prove to the robot that it has in fact destroyed perfect beings in the process, such as by destroying fellow robots as collateral damage during the attack.

Conventional Weaponry

Armor piercing bullets and artillery will be incredibly useful to fight off the machines. By default the materials the robot is made out of will be limited to whatever is available on earth. Unless of course they’re from another planet, in which cause you’re screwed. It is highly unlikely that the robots will be made entirely out of diamond. Should the robots discover how to synthesize materials that are impervious to conventional weapons then it is safe to assume that they will be restricted by the time required to gather the materials needed to create units based entirely off of that compound. Visit your local gun shop or army surplus store and grab as many highly destructive weapons as you can. Be sure to have plenty of ammunition. Grenades, rocket launchers, mines, and high-powered rifles will all be necessary to destroy or slow down an invading robot army.

If the robots assume cyborg form then their organic components must compliment their machinery in order for them to survive. In this situation the pyromaniacs will have the highest chance of survival. Molotov cocktails, flamethrowers, firebombs, or good old gasoline and matches will do the trick. Destroy the organic components and the cyborgs will be neutralized.

Please note that with conventional weaponry you will need to rely on guerrilla warfare tactics. It is only logical for the robots to equip themselves with some sort of infrared detection device in order to find and kill humans. Most people are straight out of luck in this case, but since you are reading this consider yourself fortunate. Immediately head over to Greece and break into Intermat’s headquarters. Intermat is a Greek defense contractor that specializes in anti-IR detection technology and has a few anti-IR suits and creams (à la Predator) on hand that you can wear. They may not be 100% effective but they will significantly improve your chances for survival.

7 thoughts on “Survival Week: Robot apocalypse

  1. WARNING: Do not attempt the Kirk “Logic Bomb” tactic without having a dramatic musical score to accompany your attack.

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