*The Noisecast cannot be held responsible for the actions any crazy people take with this expertly culled report. It is for informational purposes only. Seriously, don’t blame us for your dumbassery.*
The broodlings and I watched Silent Hill last night and Paranormal Activity a few nights ago. I was struck by the stupidity of the character’s behavior. I decided to create a manual to help you survive imminent doom because you’re all clearly morons who would die, if Hollywood is any indication. I decided to organize these loosely and this is hardly an exhaustive list. In fact, I may follow this up with more rules later on. Let’s call this “the imminent doom survival guide.” Look forward to a series of more specific apocalyptic scenarios. This is NOT exhaustive. Read on, after the jump and hop to the end for an expert created video of a scientifically determined likely scenario of how the world may end.
- Never adopt, ever! If you must adopt, trust your senses. If the child acts creepy in any way, do not blame the foster system or abuse, function under the general assumption that this child is a hell spawn. 99% of the time, you’ll be wrong, but that 1% can get you killed. Bonus points if your pets can’t stand the children. The phrase “I don’t know what got into Fido, he never reacts that way to people” should now be seen as a patently stupid reaction. The child is clearly evil. I would recommend a stake through the heart but since you might be wrong and that would be murder, try abandonment in a church.
- If your child draws creepy things and doesn’t remember why or know why, it would be a good time to look into putting “it” in the foster system. Pro tip: when asking it to do chores, tell it that the power of Christ compels it.
- Never approach a sobbing child from behind, especially if the child is in no place where anyone should be. Actually, if you’re in an imminent doom situation as shown by other signs, do not approach any child or anyone you know that is acting weird, or anyone you don’t know, period. This is a classic trap. Be especially wary of the sobbing little girl that runs to hug you while crying for her mommy. Sympathy will get you killed.
- If you are looking for someone and you keep catching glimpses of them before they run off in an endless flitting game of cat and mouse, leave them. They are probably demons in the guise of the person and leading you to your doom.
- Never run off on your own… especially when you don’t have a weapon. Dumbass.
- When you see people running, just run, you can ask questions later. Try to run in any direction but the one they are running from. That’s just stupid.
- If you’re in a situation where you need to shoot, always go for the headshot. Don’t waste your bullets with body shots. This is self explanatory. Pick a ghoul, and headshots do the deed. If you fire at the head and it has no effect, do not shoot again. Just run. Stop being silly.
- A mall is a bad place to hide from zombies, so is Walmart, but if you must choose one, Walmart sells everything, including non-perishable food and ammunition. (points to the mall for elevation).
- Do not yell for any reason. Whatever you’re trying to find or attract is far less important than whatever is hunting you, idiot. This is a breed of trouble you typically don’t want. I understand that the person you are yelling for is important to you, but I’m assuming this situation is an escalation of some general fuckery. Please stop attracting attention to yourself or the other survivors. If you must find them, go off quietly but keep rule 5 in mind.
- On that topic, No matter how bad things get, if you’re going to sob, preferably do so quietly. Tears attract trouble and have a scent. Ghouls rarely never have pity anyway.
- You know that really weird sound coming from that place you initially had the common sense to avoid? Yeah, you don’t need to know what it is. Bonus: it isn’t a person, your friend who went to check it out is dead, so no point asking the sound if it’s your friend. Refer back to rule 9 and 10 about making noise. In general, your direction should be away from the odd sounds, not toward it.
- Always have a sacrificial lamb… err… I mean token black person for his… um… conversation and such. It’s unfortunate about his early death, but on the plus side, you get to learn the nature of the threat and his sacrifice isn’t in vain.
- The simple, seemingly kind, quaintly friendly survivors are probably some sort of cult that played part in the current status quo. No one will blame you for shanking a few… but you’re the “good guy” so I guess you won’t. Pro tip: In normal life, “god bless you” is a friendly saying, but in an imminent doom scenario, “god bless you” is code for “I’m a crazy bitch and knives and fire are about to get involved all up in here. I have massacre on my mind.”
- Never trust in the innate goodness of human nature. When the chips are down, it doesn’t exist.
- Love doesn’t conquer all. There’s no such thing as love at the end of the world, just shit that gets you killed.
- If you find yourself in a situation where a gruff voice saying “kill them all,” would create a “fuck yeah!” moment if this were a movie, this is a fairly good time to empty your clips while yelling. Bonus points if you rip off your shirt and roar.
In general, you’re very likely to die whether you’re the altruist or the selfish jerk. I suggest you start rehearsing last words and make sure you go out like a boss! Pro tip: Any words can be transformed into excellent last words by adding the word ‘bitch’ or ‘motherfucker’ at the end. Examples:
“Go back to hell… Bitch!”
“Pass the sugar… motherfucker!”
“Oh, I just shit my pants… motherfucker!”
“Please, please don’t kill me! I’m begging you… bitch!”
Now go out there and be winners.
*Likely scenario as depicted by world renowned experts.