{"id":4012,"date":"2011-04-02T12:00:46","date_gmt":"2011-04-02T17:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.friedyoda.com\/noisecast\/?p=4012"},"modified":"2023-12-03T21:47:15","modified_gmt":"2023-12-04T03:47:15","slug":"survival-week-alien-invasions-and-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.friedyoda.com\/noisecast\/2011\/04\/survival-week-alien-invasions-and-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Survival Week: Alien Invasions and You"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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The I makes it creepy.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

If there’s one thing that Hollywood has an intense hard-on for, it’s buddy cop movies. But the world is never going to be overrun by buddy cops, so I am tackling alien invasions instead. A lifetime of watching movies has taught me that I watch too many movies. It has also taught me that if we get invaded by aliens we have <\/span>no fucking clue<\/em><\/span> what to do. Why? Because we really don’t know what to expect. They could be benevolent god-like creatures<\/a>, blood-crazed killers<\/a>, hunters just in it for the sport<\/a>, small children<\/a> that somehow got lost<\/a>, or Keanu Reeves<\/a>. So what can we do if we don’t know what we are up against? You’ve come to the right place, friends. Don’t worry, we’ve got this under control. <\/span><\/wp-block><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Numero Uno:<\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Creepy little thing, isn’t he?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

When the aliens finally come to Earth, the first thing you should do is see how tall they are relative to the average American male. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but unsavory aliens are almost universally as tall or taller than the average American male. The Predator, the aliens from, uh… Aliens, Daleks<\/a>, every motherfucker in the Mos Eisley Cantina, and Keanu Reeves are all perfect examples of this. Of course there are some exceptions like Wookiees and prawns<\/a>, but if  you’re automatically suspicious of the tall ones, you’ll be right most of the time. The short ones are, as you would expect, almost always \u201cgood guys\u201d. The Asgard, Yoda, Paul<\/a>… and of course the exceptions like Salacious Crumb.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Numero Two:<\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Trust no one<\/a>. Don’t fucking look at me like that. I know I said that the short ones were okay, but think about this logically for a minute. That statement was based on information from Hollywood, and those guys obviously aren’t always on their game<\/a>. The only way to be truly safe is to be extremely cautious of anything that isn’t from this planet. Do you want to take a chance that the short alien you just ran up on is a crazed little runt bent on world domination and genocide? Fuck no. Creepy little bastard isn’t worth the potential probe. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 5:<\/span><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Odds are good that if a evil alien race has made its way to this little blue rock, we are well and truly fucked. The technology required to get to this planet from elsewhere in the cosmos is so far beyond our comprehension that the beings that possess it will surely be poised and ready to shove something unpleasant in a place where we don’t want it to be. And who are we to stop them? Motherfuckers have laser guns and telepathy and shit. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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