{"id":2901,"date":"2011-03-16T11:00:15","date_gmt":"2011-03-16T16:00:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.friedyoda.com\/noisecast\/?p=2901"},"modified":"2023-12-01T11:43:33","modified_gmt":"2023-12-01T17:43:33","slug":"imminent-doom-survival-guide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.friedyoda.com\/noisecast\/2011\/03\/imminent-doom-survival-guide\/","title":{"rendered":"The Imminent Doom Survival Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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*The Noisecast cannot be held responsible for the actions any crazy people take with this expertly culled report. It is for informational purposes only. Seriously, don’t blame us for your dumbassery.*<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The broodlings and I watched Silent Hill last night and Paranormal Activity a few nights ago. I was struck by the stupidity of the character\u2019s behavior. I decided to create a manual to help you survive imminent doom because you\u2019re all clearly morons who would die, if Hollywood is any indication. I decided to organize these loosely and this is hardly an exhaustive list. In fact, I may follow this up with more rules later on. Let\u2019s call this \u201cthe imminent doom survival guide.\u201d Look forward to a series of more specific apocalyptic scenarios. This is NOT exhaustive. Read on, after the jump and hop to the end for an expert created video of a scientifically determined likely scenario of how the world may end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

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  1. Never adopt, ever! If you must adopt, trust your senses. If the child acts creepy in any way, do not blame the foster system or abuse, function under the general assumption that this child is a hell spawn. 99% of the time, you\u2019ll be wrong, but that 1% can get you killed. Bonus points if your pets can\u2019t stand the children. The phrase \u201cI don\u2019t know what got into Fido, he never reacts that way to people\u201d should now be seen as a patently stupid reaction. The child is clearly evil. I would recommend a stake through the heart but since you might be wrong and that would be murder, try abandonment in a church.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. If your child draws creepy things and doesn\u2019t remember why or know why, it would be a good time to look into putting \u201cit\u201d in the foster system. Pro tip: when asking it to do chores, tell it that the power of Christ compels it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. Never approach a sobbing child from behind, especially if the child is in no place where anyone should be. Actually, if you\u2019re in an imminent doom situation as shown by other signs, do not approach any child or anyone you know that is acting weird, or anyone you don\u2019t know, period. This is a classic trap. Be especially wary of the sobbing little girl that runs to hug you while crying for her mommy. Sympathy will get you killed.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. If you are looking for someone and you keep catching glimpses of them before they run off in an endless flitting game of cat and mouse, leave them. They are probably demons in the guise of the person and leading you to your doom.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Never run off on your own\u2026 especially when you don\u2019t have a weapon. Dumbass.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. When you see people running, just run, you can ask questions later. Try to run in any direction but the one they are running from<\/span>. That\u2019s just stupid.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. If you\u2019re in a situation where you need to shoot, always go for the headshot. Don\u2019t waste your bullets with body shots. This is self explanatory. Pick a ghoul, and headshots do the deed. If you fire at the head and it has no effect, do not shoot again. Just run. Stop being silly.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. A mall is a bad place to hide from zombies, so is Walmart, but if you must choose one, Walmart sells everything, including non-perishable food and ammunition. (points to the mall for elevation).<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  9. Do not yell for any reason. Whatever you\u2019re trying to find or attract is far less important than whatever is hunting you, idiot. This is a breed of trouble you typically don\u2019t want. I understand that the person you are yelling for is important to you, but I\u2019m assuming this situation is an escalation of some general fuckery. Please stop attracting attention to yourself or the other survivors. If you must find them, go off quietly but keep rule 5 in mind.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  10. On that topic, No matter how bad things get, if you\u2019re going to sob, preferably do so quietly. Tears attract trouble and have a scent. Ghouls rarely<\/span> never have pity anyway.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  11. You know that really weird sound coming from that place you initially had the common sense to avoid? Yeah, you don\u2019t need to know what it is. Bonus: it isn\u2019t a person, your friend who went to check it out is dead, so no point asking the sound if it\u2019s your friend. Refer back to rule 9 and 10 about making noise. In general, your direction should be away from the odd sounds, not toward it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  12. Always have a sacrificial lamb\u2026 err\u2026 I mean token black person for his\u2026 um\u2026 conversation and such. It\u2019s unfortunate about his early death, but on the plus side, you get to learn the nature of the threat and his sacrifice isn\u2019t in vain.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  13. The simple, seemingly kind, quaintly friendly survivors are probably some sort of cult that played part in the current status quo. No one will blame you for shanking a few\u2026 but you\u2019re the \u201cgood guy\u201d so I guess you won\u2019t. Pro tip: In normal life, \u201cgod bless you\u201d is a friendly saying, but in an imminent doom scenario, \u201cgod bless you\u201d is code for \u201cI\u2019m a crazy bitch and knives and fire are about to get involved all up in here. I have massacre on my mind.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  14. Never trust in the innate goodness of human nature. When the chips are down, it doesn\u2019t exist.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  15. Love doesn\u2019t conquer all. There\u2019s no such thing as love at the end of the world, just shit that gets you killed.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  16. If you find yourself in a situation where a gruff voice saying \u201ckill them all,\u201d would create a \u201cfuck yeah!\u201d moment if this were a movie, this is a fairly good time to empty your clips while yelling. Bonus points if you rip off your shirt and roar.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    In general, you\u2019re very likely to die whether you\u2019re the altruist or the selfish jerk. I suggest you start rehearsing last words and make sure you go out like a boss! Pro tip: Any words can be transformed into excellent last words by adding the word \u2018bitch\u2019 or \u2018motherfucker\u2019 at the end. Examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cGo back to hell\u2026 Bitch!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cPass the sugar\u2026 motherfucker!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cOh, I just shit my pants\u2026 motherfucker!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u201cPlease, please don\u2019t kill me! I\u2019m begging you\u2026 bitch!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Now go out there and be winners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    *Likely scenario as depicted by world renowned experts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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