Where’s Sulu? Up your Jeffrie’s Tube!
My long range sensors indicate that there’s a lot of you faggots ruining my Star Trek Online gameplay experience. That’s right, all you little nerds running around asking stupid shit like “Where’s Sulu?” or “How do I access my bridge?” Let me tell you something, I’m a fucking Trek VETERAN, asshole! You want to be like Picard and shit? Man fuck that old dickhead twat! I fucking grew up with Spock and shit. I’m hardcore, bro! Kirk? I was the inspiration for Kirk! He wasn’t even in the original Star Trek! Which is why it sucked! So one day when I was a toddler my babysitter lived next to Gene Roddenberry. After the first episode of Star Trek, Gene was like “Fuck this shit, my show is full of pussies.” And when he came home he looked into his neighbor’s window and saw my baby self shooting my phaser rifle up my babysitter! And that’s how Gene got inspired to create Kirk, he was all like “Damn I wish I could put such a badass in my show as the Captain, but they got child labor laws and shit.” So Gene went out and found William Shatner because he is the closest lookalike to me and The Original Series was born. Don’t believe me? Check out my blue bitch.
