Ever wanted to make your own hentai porn? Did those creepy animated tentacle flicks from Japan make you happy in the pants? Well rejoice, young pervert, for now you can have the exciting grotesqueness of those films in on your hands! Gaia Online has released it’s creepy tentacle arm for only $15, and it’s quite a bargain! Now you can make sexy time more fun with your girlfriend, or boyfriend, or pet using the tentacle arm. Do you watch porn when doing it and try to mimic the actions in the film with your mate? Ever have a hard time trying to mimic the actions of tentacle hentai? Well despair no more, for now you can make even that twisted dream of yours come true! It’s simple: slip on, then slip in! It’s that easy!

Your dreams of losing your cyber-virginity since you couldn’t lose your real virginity are now OVER.

There’s a disturbance in the force when it comes to the release date of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Amazon recently changed it’s release date listig of the game for August 26 while EBGames.com maintains an April 1 release date.

(Editor’s note: [waves hand in front of your face] There is no delay. Everything is on schedule as planned. There’s nothing to see here. Move along.) 

This morning Propaganda Studios, the developer of the latest installment of the Turok video game series, Turok, made a surprise announcement that the game will feature dinosaurs.

“There was much speculation as to who the main character, Joseph Turok, would be fighting against in this game. Propaganda Games would like to confirm that it is in fact dinosaurs that will be the primary crossbow victims in the game. I’m proud to say that this has been one of the best kept secrets in video game history, better kept than the announcement of GTA IV hookers being modeled after Hillary Clinton,” announced Josh Bridge, Turok’s lead level designer. Continue Reading »

News in the gaming industry is that Nintendo of America recently hired two new executive officers for their Redwood City, CA offices. Stepping into the President of Marketing and Corporate Affairs position is former Reebok employee Denise Kaigler. Former Whirlpool financial director Bill Van Zyll arrives as the new Director and General Manager of Latin America. Using our superior leverage in the news industry, Fried Yoda has managed to tap into a private video link between Nintendo’s head honcho Satoru Iwata in Japan and Denise and Bill in California. So here is the full uncensored transcript of the conversation, the first post of many more that will pave Fried Yoda’s way to a Pulitzer.

Satoru Iwata: Greetings from chirry Kyoto, my new friends. I wood rike to wercome the two both of you to the, ah, Nintendo famiry.

Bill Van Zyll and Denise Kaigler: Thank you sir.

Satoru: Prease, shit.

Denise: Excuse me?

Satoru: It’s ok, friends. You may both shit. You do not need to be formal with-ah me.

Bill (whispering to Denise): I think he means “sit.”

(both sit down) Continue Reading »

SCi Entertainment Group PLC, the publisher of the popular video game Tomb Raider announced today that it will accept food stamps in exchange for stock after its stock hit an 18 year low. Food stamps will be used to feed the anorexic Lara Croft in hopes of getting her ready for Tomb Raider XV: Some Pansy Stole My Shit Again.

When all hope seemed lost for HD-DVD, there was a glimmer of hope that came to Microsoft and Toshiba’s rescue earlier today. Hollywood movie studios Paramount and Universal both squashed rumors hinting that they would switch over to Blu-Ray. Instead, they reinforced their stance next to HD-DVD amidst all the ship-jumping being performed by other major Hollywood studios.

Ken Graffeo, executive vice president of High Definition Strategic Marketing at Universal Studios Home Entertainment, reassured reporters that “this is just a rumor, both Universal and Paramount are continuing to produce movies in HD DVD.” When asked what plans were underway to combat the massive support Blu-Ray has received Graffeo revealed Universal and Paramount’s joint approach for keeping HD-DVD alive.

“We believe that both Universal and Paramount have a strong arsenal of quality films that will continue to play in HD-DVD’s favor. Both studios have decided on a joint-venture campaign to breathe life back into the superior high definition format. We have two motion picture heavyweights that will act as our front lines in this war, and we are confident that consumers will think twice before exclusively choosing Blu-Ray over HD-DVD.” Continue Reading »

Three, that’s the magic number. Three is the number of companies competing in the console gaming market. Three is the number of people required to make a crowd. It is also the number of people required for a threesome. Three is the number of Star Wars films there are that don’t suck. Three is the number of boobs Arnold got to see in Total Recall. Three is the number of functional features a man has in his pants. Three is the number of high definition options one has when purchasing an HDTV. However, most importantly three is the number of words this site is based on.

1. Quality
2. Assurance
3. Management

Don’t be fooled, you cannot use these three words together. That would give you Quality Assurance Management, more commonly known as beta testing. This is not a beta testing site. Living in your mother’s basement and getting paid $8 an hour to test out a video game is not prestigious. However, if you use each word individually you get something prestigious: journalism.

The goal of this site is to provide you with real news from the gaming industry. This news is of high Quality, meaning you won’t find any other gaming news wire out there that can provide prime, accurate, and downright interesting content as this site. We provide you Assurance when reading this site’s content. You can have complete Assurance that our content is real and trustworthy. How can we provide such Assurance? If we report it, it must be true. We don’t publish rumors. We don’t publish opinions. Most of the stuff we will publish is available only behind closed doors. Our investigative reporting techniques are guaranteed to impress game aficionados, as well as piss off industry execs who can’t seem to figure out how we obtained our information. Lastly, this site provides Management. Instead of having to feverishly jump from site to site to gather all your gaming news, this site consolidates everything onto one page. In essence we efficiently use Management on your precious time, saving you from headaches and excessive mouse clicks.

The bottom line:: this is a serious gaming site for serious gamers. And best of all, it costs less than a gamer’s attempt to get laid. And you don’t need to worry about Herpes either. This site isn’t funny. It isn’t satire. It’s hardcore. So sit back, visit the site frequently, and get ready to enter a new era of trustworthy journalism.