The gaming industry was revolutionized today by Apple’s unveiling of it’s new product the iPad. Pretty much it is a giant iPod touch but don’t let that sway you! Hidden deep within its 9.5 inch display lies technology that will change the face of games forever! In an exclusive interview with Fried Yoda, Apple fanboi William “Steve Jobs” Gates IV said, “This thing will revolutionize the gaming industry, but we didn’t want to reveal all the details today.” As seen at today’s event, game execs and demos were fairly lackluster, but that was all part of the plan according to Jobs.

“There’s a big secret inside the iPad that not only will allow it to take action during the heaviest of flows but it will also literally expand how games are played in front of your very eyes!” Steve-o-rino proceeded to reveal this mind-blowing tech to us: Continue Reading »

Free-IQTest.net – Accurate IQ Test

Kaz Hirai wants to please the ladies. And when he pleases the ladies, he wants to make sure that the pleasing is done right! That’s why the upcoming PS3 controller, the “Vibe,” is being bumped from a Spring 2010 release date to a Fall 2010 release date.

“I want to personally make sure that our product will satisfy the current and potential female market out there. I will be overseeing and lending a helping hand and finger in all future testing of the Vibe controller,” Sony’s head honcho Kaz Hirai said.

The Vibe is said to feature multiple settings as well as a motion controller that executes commands based on hip movements. The pink bulbous head (Ed. note: sorry, it’s just too easy…) will be pressure sensitive as well. Sony claims that this will bridge the game between a men and women when it comes to gaming. So far, reception from females has been fairly positive with one woman saying, “it will now give me great pleasure to use my Playstation 3.”

My long range sensors indicate that there’s a lot of you faggots ruining my Star Trek Online gameplay experience. That’s right, all you little nerds running around asking stupid shit like “Where’s Sulu?” or “How do I access my bridge?” Let me tell you something, I’m a fucking Trek VETERAN, asshole! You want to be like Picard and shit? Man fuck that old dickhead twat! I fucking grew up with Spock and shit. I’m hardcore, bro! Kirk? I was the inspiration for Kirk! He wasn’t even in the original Star Trek! Which is why it sucked! So one day when I was a toddler my babysitter lived next to Gene Roddenberry. After the first episode of Star Trek, Gene was like “Fuck this shit, my show is full of pussies.” And when he came home he looked into his neighbor’s window and saw my baby self shooting my phaser rifle up my babysitter! And that’s how Gene got inspired to create Kirk, he was all like “Damn I wish I could put such a badass in my show as the Captain, but they got child labor laws and shit.” So Gene went out and found William Shatner because he is the closest lookalike to me and The Original Series was born. Don’t believe me? Check out my blue bitch.

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Continuing my tradition to watch all Star Trek series (in reverse chronological order) I just finished Deep Space 9 from start to finish. Aside from it being Babylon 5 in the Star Trek universe, tarnished with an overly-dramatic lead actor, and having every damn episode be some parallel to a historical event from Earth’s history, it wasn’t that bad of a show. I think all the actors fit the role perfectly except Avery Brooks as Benjamin Sisko. He would have made an awesome Sisko if he wasn’t so overly theatrical in his actions and dialogue. Every time he was on screen it was as if he was at a stage rehearsal. The way he emphasized words, the way he lifted his hand by his face and clasped three fingers together as if to emphasize a point (sort of like an upside down “mama mia” gesture)…it was all so fake. It was the most unnatural piece of acting I’ve ever seen. I have nothing against the guy, but his performance in the role was equivalent to the performance of a high school theater student.

Anyway, I think the following clip sums up the entire show. It is of Gul Dukat (who by the way was probably the best character and best performed character in the whole show. Marc Alaimo was absolutely phenomenal) doing a rant from the season 6 episode “Waltz.” Can you guess which famous historical character he is portraying?

At the very least I can say that I grew to love all characters in the show. The crew did a good job developing them (with the exception of Bashir. Midway through the series they go, “Oh, guess what, you’re genetically enhanced”) but Alexander Siddig did a good job staying true to the character all the way through. Special kudos to Armin Shimmerman for redefining the entire Ferengi race and society with his performance as Quark. Aside from that, it was a warm and fuzzy show that was loosely hashed together but set forth the future of the Trek universe with the whole Dominion/Cardassian war.

Shiiiiit, what dis Wildcat biznass dey be talkin ’bout? Mo’fuckas be straight up tripping. Wildcat offense? Fuck dat shit! I ain’t playin’ no Wildcat! Imma mo’fuckin dawg, son. A dawg dat done been locked up in da pound. A muthafuckin dawgpound, son! See I had time in da pound to be philosophizing and shit. Yeah yeah, between workin’ out, drinkin’ mah grape drink, and passin’ that sticky icky with my boy T-Bone, I done did a lot of thinkin’ and shit. Continue Reading »

For those that don’t know, I am a manager at a nice restaurant in the Chicago burbs. It’s a place that you can have a romantic dinner at or have a few martinis at our bar. An average dinner for a customer (say he or she just gets a drink and an entree) runs about $15-$20 and that’s with plenty of food left over to take home (our portions are very generous). Think of it like a Wildfire, Morton’s, or Gibson’s type of place with better food and service but affordable prices.

Last night one of the servers came up to me and showed me one of our gift card holders with $25 handwritten on it. Inside there was no gift card. The customer at his table wanted to use that as his gift card. I told the server that we could not honor that as a gift card since there was no gift card in the holder. A minute later the server came back and told me that the customer wanted to speak with a manager.

I’m not a hardass manager. I take care of my customers. If I see that the customers are big spenders or repeats I buy them a drink or dessert. I develop somewhat of a relationship with them and they usually know me by name the next time they come in. I pulled up this customer’s check. $23.54. A burger, a wrap, and an iced tea. Lovely.

I went over to the table, always maintaining my composure and polite mannerisms. I knew this guy. He had come in here a couple times before, maybe twice in the last 6 months. I never forget faces. The man explained to me that he wanted to use the gift card holder as a $25 gift certificate. I calmly explained that I could not honor that because he needs to present the actual gift card, not the holder.

“Well this is what we received. There was no gift card in here. And the only reason we came here tonight was because of this,” the man said. Ahhhh, the first-timer story. Coupled with a meticulously thought out bill that would not exceed the amount he was expecting to be discounted. What a victim.

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but I cannot honor this because it is not a gift card. Unless you have the gift card that accompanied it, then I cannot accept it,” I reply.

“Well I never received a gift card, this is all I received! I want you to take this and that’s final!” he raised his voice.

“Again sir, I apologize but that is not something I can do. Perhaps you should contact the person who gave this to you. They might have forgotten to give you the gift card.”

“I want to talk to the owner. This is ridiculous. I come here quite often and spend a lot of money whenever I come here.” OK asshole. You’ve come twice in the last 6 months and you’ve spent enough this evening to scrape by without paying a single dime. Choke on a dick.

I call up the owner on the phone and his response is simple: “Tell him to fuck himself. No gift card, no discount.” No don’t take this the wrong way, he would never say this in front of customers. He’s a very nice guy, he just over-exaggerates things to me to prove a point. I go back to the table and tell the guy that the owner told me to take his name and number and he’d call him tomorrow (which is what in fact happens in a situation like this).

“No, I want to be satisfied NOW. I’m not paying this bill. I’m the customer, I’m right,” he demands. Customers are now looking from nearby tables. The booth next to his is stifling laughter. People aren’t dumb. They can spot a douchebag a mile away. Especially a penny pinching douchebag.

“Sir, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot overstep my bounds and disobey the owner. If you leave your contact information he will call you tomorrow and I’m sure you will be able to resolve this with him,” I say cooly, never losing my polite composure.

“Well I’ve already taken care of the server. You can take care of the bill. I’m being ripped off. You are taking advantage of me!” he shouts.

“Sir, I kindly ask that you lower your voice.”

“No, I want people to know what kind of a rip-off establishment this is. And I’m going to tell all my friends not to come here! And I’m not paying this bill either!” God I please hope you do! Especially if they’re cheap fucks like you!

“Sir, I’m afraid that if you leave without paying I will have to call the police,” I reply. Fuck you if you think you’re gonna win.

“Fine, call the police! Oh, and get me my money back from the server!”

“Sir, was the food all right?” I interrupt.

“Food was great,” he snapped.

“Was the service all right?” I asked.

“Service was excellent,” he admitted.

“Then sir I’m not sure why the server has to suffer if he did his job in a way that met your expectations?” I tried to save the server’s tip.

“Well if I suffer, everyone suffers!” he muttered. I went to the server and told him the guy wanted his tip back. The server smiled and handed me a single $1. Whoa there high roller…. I returned to the table with the dollar bill and placed it on the table. The guy yanked it and pulled out his wallet. As he opened it to put the dollar bill in a plastic card fell out. What do you know, it was one of our gift cards. The guy turned bright red as he quickly snatched it up and put it in his pocket. He silently took out a credit card and handed it to me. He quietly paid and left without saying a word.

Some people will do anything to get an extra free meal nowadays….

If it wasn’t aliens, then it was some secret government warfare experiment during the cold war. Here’s a summary from the intro blurb:

The mysterious circumstances and subsequent investigations of the hikers’ deaths have inspired much speculation. Investigations of the deaths suggest that the hikers tore open their tent from within, departing barefoot in heavy snow; while the corpses show no signs of struggle, one victim had a fractured skull, two had broken ribs, and one was missing her tongue. According to sources, the victims’ clothing contained high levels of radiation – though this was likely added at a later date, since no reference is made to it in contemporary documentation and only in later documents. Soviet investigators determined only that “a compelling unknown force” had caused the deaths, barring entry to the area for years thereafter. The causes of the accident remain unclear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyatlov_pass_accident