My long range sensors indicate that there’s a lot of you faggots ruining my Star Trek Online gameplay experience. That’s right, all you little nerds running around asking stupid shit like “Where’s Sulu?” or “How do I access my bridge?” Let me tell you something, I’m a fucking Trek VETERAN, asshole! You want to be like Picard and shit? Man fuck that old dickhead twat! I fucking grew up with Spock and shit. I’m hardcore, bro! Kirk? I was the inspiration for Kirk! He wasn’t even in the original Star Trek! Which is why it sucked! So one day when I was a toddler my babysitter lived next to Gene Roddenberry. After the first episode of Star Trek, Gene was like “Fuck this shit, my show is full of pussies.” And when he came home he looked into his neighbor’s window and saw my baby self shooting my phaser rifle up my babysitter! And that’s how Gene got inspired to create Kirk, he was all like “Damn I wish I could put such a badass in my show as the Captain, but they got child labor laws and shit.” So Gene went out and found William Shatner because he is the closest lookalike to me and The Original Series was born. Don’t believe me? Check out my blue bitch.

Kirk’s looks? From me. Kirk’s ability to bang hot (alien) bitches? From me. I’ve waited for decades for my chance to be IN the Star Trek universe so I can do my part. If Gene was still alive I’d be the newest Trek star but that old Jew died when I was in my prime. And that bitch Rick Berman wanted that blue pussy all to himself so he snubbed me…many times. It’s all good though, with Star Trek Online I can give Star Trek it’s long needed glory. Huh? What you say? STO is a game? Fuck you, it’s not just a game! A game is what I went through growing up, on the fucking streets of Des Moines, using my transporter technology and personal cloaking device to evade Joey “The Klingon” Parker and the rest of the football team after school. See I was smart, I knew better than to fight outnumbered. There were times where they’d corner me, call em “nerd” and “Trekkie” and I did take a beating here and there but nothing that could take away the safety zone of my USS Bedroom. Shit was thug-life, yo!

Now I got all you pussies coming into MY game trying to ruin MY shit? The fuck you know about Star Trek, asshole? You think you got the balls to go up against a natural born Admiral? Don’t think so. After I breach your warp core you’re gonna have to go see a doctor. And you know what the doctor is gonna say to you? Take two quantum torpedoes up the ass and call me in the morning, BEYOTCH!