For those that don’t know, I am a manager at a nice restaurant in the Chicago burbs. It’s a place that you can have a romantic dinner at or have a few martinis at our bar. An average dinner for a customer (say he or she just gets a drink and an entree) runs about $15-$20 and that’s with plenty of food left over to take home (our portions are very generous). Think of it like a Wildfire, Morton’s, or Gibson’s type of place with better food and service but affordable prices.

Last night one of the servers came up to me and showed me one of our gift card holders with $25 handwritten on it. Inside there was no gift card. The customer at his table wanted to use that as his gift card. I told the server that we could not honor that as a gift card since there was no gift card in the holder. A minute later the server came back and told me that the customer wanted to speak with a manager.

I’m not a hardass manager. I take care of my customers. If I see that the customers are big spenders or repeats I buy them a drink or dessert. I develop somewhat of a relationship with them and they usually know me by name the next time they come in. I pulled up this customer’s check. $23.54. A burger, a wrap, and an iced tea. Lovely.

I went over to the table, always maintaining my composure and polite mannerisms. I knew this guy. He had come in here a couple times before, maybe twice in the last 6 months. I never forget faces. The man explained to me that he wanted to use the gift card holder as a $25 gift certificate. I calmly explained that I could not honor that because he needs to present the actual gift card, not the holder.

“Well this is what we received. There was no gift card in here. And the only reason we came here tonight was because of this,” the man said. Ahhhh, the first-timer story. Coupled with a meticulously thought out bill that would not exceed the amount he was expecting to be discounted. What a victim.

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but I cannot honor this because it is not a gift card. Unless you have the gift card that accompanied it, then I cannot accept it,” I reply.

“Well I never received a gift card, this is all I received! I want you to take this and that’s final!” he raised his voice.

“Again sir, I apologize but that is not something I can do. Perhaps you should contact the person who gave this to you. They might have forgotten to give you the gift card.”

“I want to talk to the owner. This is ridiculous. I come here quite often and spend a lot of money whenever I come here.” OK asshole. You’ve come twice in the last 6 months and you’ve spent enough this evening to scrape by without paying a single dime. Choke on a dick.

I call up the owner on the phone and his response is simple: “Tell him to fuck himself. No gift card, no discount.” No don’t take this the wrong way, he would never say this in front of customers. He’s a very nice guy, he just over-exaggerates things to me to prove a point. I go back to the table and tell the guy that the owner told me to take his name and number and he’d call him tomorrow (which is what in fact happens in a situation like this).

“No, I want to be satisfied NOW. I’m not paying this bill. I’m the customer, I’m right,” he demands. Customers are now looking from nearby tables. The booth next to his is stifling laughter. People aren’t dumb. They can spot a douchebag a mile away. Especially a penny pinching douchebag.

“Sir, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot overstep my bounds and disobey the owner. If you leave your contact information he will call you tomorrow and I’m sure you will be able to resolve this with him,” I say cooly, never losing my polite composure.

“Well I’ve already taken care of the server. You can take care of the bill. I’m being ripped off. You are taking advantage of me!” he shouts.

“Sir, I kindly ask that you lower your voice.”

“No, I want people to know what kind of a rip-off establishment this is. And I’m going to tell all my friends not to come here! And I’m not paying this bill either!” God I please hope you do! Especially if they’re cheap fucks like you!

“Sir, I’m afraid that if you leave without paying I will have to call the police,” I reply. Fuck you if you think you’re gonna win.

“Fine, call the police! Oh, and get me my money back from the server!”

“Sir, was the food all right?” I interrupt.

“Food was great,” he snapped.

“Was the service all right?” I asked.

“Service was excellent,” he admitted.

“Then sir I’m not sure why the server has to suffer if he did his job in a way that met your expectations?” I tried to save the server’s tip.

“Well if I suffer, everyone suffers!” he muttered. I went to the server and told him the guy wanted his tip back. The server smiled and handed me a single $1. Whoa there high roller…. I returned to the table with the dollar bill and placed it on the table. The guy yanked it and pulled out his wallet. As he opened it to put the dollar bill in a plastic card fell out. What do you know, it was one of our gift cards. The guy turned bright red as he quickly snatched it up and put it in his pocket. He silently took out a credit card and handed it to me. He quietly paid and left without saying a word.

Some people will do anything to get an extra free meal nowadays….

If it wasn’t aliens, then it was some secret government warfare experiment during the cold war. Here’s a summary from the intro blurb:

The mysterious circumstances and subsequent investigations of the hikers’ deaths have inspired much speculation. Investigations of the deaths suggest that the hikers tore open their tent from within, departing barefoot in heavy snow; while the corpses show no signs of struggle, one victim had a fractured skull, two had broken ribs, and one was missing her tongue. According to sources, the victims’ clothing contained high levels of radiation – though this was likely added at a later date, since no reference is made to it in contemporary documentation and only in later documents. Soviet investigators determined only that “a compelling unknown force” had caused the deaths, barring entry to the area for years thereafter. The causes of the accident remain unclear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyatlov_pass_accident