Fried Yoda has gotten it’s hands on the first draft of the letter announcing that Myst Online: Uru Live would be shut down. The officially released letter written by the VP of Content and Creative Director for GameTap, Ricardo “Dirty” Sanchez can be found here. Don’t ask how we got it. Just know that it is real. Straight from Dirty’s trash bin.

WTF there was a Myst Online? Since when? How the fuck am I supposed to write a letter to the community of a game I never knew existed? My bad, I forgot. I’m dictating to you. You’re writing. You’re writing, right? Are you fucking writing this shit you stupid secretary bitch? Why the hell should I write this shit anyway? Can’t you see my title? Here you four eyed slut, look at my fucking name plaque. What does it say? Does it say anything about public relations or community management? No, it says I’m the god damn VP baby. VP of creative shit and stuff. Damn straight. Fuck, I’m the only person the outside world has ever heard of from inside GameTap. I gotta talk to Teddy fucking Turner to get some more employees up in this mother fucker. Perhaps a new secretary that doesn’t make my eyes bleed when I look at her. Yeah, a nice hourglass babe with some big ass titties. Mmmm, titties. Quit rolling your eyes bitch and write!

*Ahem* What was I supposed to be doing again? Oh yeah, the letter. Dear nerds. No no no, scratch that. Dear nerds who like Myst. No, scratch that too. Dear fuckers. Yeah, that’s good. Dear fuckers. Do you know who the fuck I am? I’m the mother fucking Dirty Sanchez up in this bitch! I’m the man who runs this mother fucker. Ain’t no body else in this building but me and sourtwat over here. Do you know what that means? I’m fucking GameTap, bitches! I AM GameTap! And guess what you pussies, GameTap giveth and GameTap taketh away! I can’t fucking believe we’re pulling a plug on a game that never existed. What did you say, ho? It did exist? For a year? You played it? No wonder I gotta pull the fucking plug on it! With nasty ass bitches like you playing the game, decent gaming folk will stampede towards opposite directions like a herd of buffalo!

I would like to take this moment to say that we at GameTap, and by we I mean I because I run this fucking shit, are truly sorrowed by this unfortunate turn of events. We thank you all for your support over the last year, and we can only return the favor by offering you to choke on my cock. HAHA, thought I was being sincere there, didn’t you? HAHA, fucklickers!

[phone rings]

Ricardo Sanchez, VP of blah blah blah and all that shit. Oh hello Mr. Turner. Yes yes, I heard the unfortunate news. I am preparing a letter to the Myst Online community as we speak. You played it to? What the fuck, am I the only person who hasn’t heard of this game? Nothing, nothing, sir, go on. Uh huh. Very well sir, I’ll get that letter out by 9pm this evening. Thank you sir. Have a good night.

Leave it up to that old fuck Teddy Turner to ruin a perfect nut busting to a literary work of art. All right bitch, write me a letter for this community. Make it all mushy and sorrowful. But put optimism in it. Oh, and throw some plugs to Sam and Max as well as Grimm. Fuck, there goes my hard-on. God dammit!