What do Doom, Tomb Raider, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros, and Resident Evil all have in common? No, they’re not all video games. Well, they are. But taking it a step further, they are all video games that have been made into shitty motion pictures. You probably coughed up $10 at the movie theater to watch one of these films and ended up squat humping the ticket guy in an attempt to get your money back halfway through the movie. I sure did after going to see Doom. And Tomb Raider? What the hell is the point of having Angelina Jolie play Lara Croft if there aren’t going to be any scenes with Lara Croft partaking in some steamy lesbian foreplay with some random femme baddie? Well, word just hit the internets that another successful video game franchise almost got gangraped by Hollywood.

Last Spring Rockstar Games and parent company Take-Two Interactive narrowly averted closing a deal for a Grand Theft Auto movie. Hints were dropped that Eminem might have been the star. Luckily, someone got hit in the head with a brick and had a “holy shit, what the hell are we doing?” and pulled the plug on the deal. The scary part was that the deal was almost finalized, but final details derailed any plans for GTA: 8 1/2 Mile: B-Rabbit Goes Postal. Thank the video game gods for saving you from yet another game-to-movie shitfest.