Researchers at the University of California - Berkley have published a study regarding online flame wars and professional world quarrels. In light of a recent professional quarrel in the gaming industry, Dr. Jonathan Miller decided to see if there were any similarities in the behaviors exemplified during an online flame war with the behavior exemplified in a professional quarrel. His findings were published in this week’s issue of Real Berkley Studies Magazine: For Those Doubting Credibility. Fried Yoda has generously decided to translate all this scientific gibberish into more common tongue to help the average person understand the results.

Dr. Miller’s study of a dozen different gaming forums showed that there was a variable that was always present and that always fluctuated over time. After vigorous analysis he concluded that this variable was in fact “douchery,” which he denoted by d. Douchery was latent amongst members of the gaming community and was aroused only when provoked, particularly in times of a flame war. The more time elapsed in a flame war, the greater amount of douchery was exemplified. Putting together the pieces of this puzzle, Dr. Miller was able to portray his findings in terms of simple math and Excel graphs. He found that douchery had a positive relation over time and it in fact paralleled a fundamental mathematical equation: y=x² where x≥0. By plotting his results, he found out that douchery over time fit the quadratic function flawlessly.

The more time elapsed during a flame war, the higher the percentage of douchery a person exemplified. Taking his new findings, he turned his head towards the recent professional quarrel mentioned above. What did he find? To his great joy, he found that professional quarrels exemplify parallel levels of douchery over time, except on a larger scale! However, Dr. Miller also found that just because it happens on a larger scale does not mean that those involved are bigger douches. The level of douchery emitted from the “professionals” equals the level of douchery emitted from nobodies on gaming forums. This means that professional douches are just as big of douches as forum flamers, except that they get more than 15 minutes of fame and much more exposure than a circle of 25 people.

This however is a double-edged sword. If one person is being a douchebag and you decide to go against that person, you too will emit douchery. The longer you go at it, the larger both of your doucheries will get. Fighting douchery with douchery can only lead to one conclusion: a big wet mess. So what can you do to prevent douchery from coming out of your mouth? The easiest way is to learn how to identify a douchebag. Once you identify a douchebag, you can avoid them completely and save yourself from joining the douchebag ranks. Fried Yoda has provided you with a little test to help you on your way:

Can you identify the douchebag from the collage below?

The answer is: ALL OF THEM ARE DOUCHEBAGS. Exhibit A is a douchebag. Exhibit B is Bill Cosby, otherwise known as Jello Pudding Eating Douchebag. Exhibit C is San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers, AKA Marmalard the Douche. Exhibit D is Prince in his dressing room. Study this carefully, and may it guide you on your way to a douchery-free experience on the Internets.