News in the gaming industry is that Nintendo of America recently hired two new executive officers for their Redwood City, CA offices. Stepping into the President of Marketing and Corporate Affairs position is former Reebok employee Denise Kaigler. Former Whirlpool financial director Bill Van Zyll arrives as the new Director and General Manager of Latin America. Using our superior leverage in the news industry, Fried Yoda has managed to tap into a private video link between Nintendo’s head honcho Satoru Iwata in Japan and Denise and Bill in California. So here is the full uncensored transcript of the conversation, the first post of many more that will pave Fried Yoda’s way to a Pulitzer.

Satoru Iwata: Greetings from chirry Kyoto, my new friends. I wood rike to wercome the two both of you to the, ah, Nintendo famiry.

Bill Van Zyll and Denise Kaigler: Thank you sir.

Satoru: Prease, shit.

Denise: Excuse me?

Satoru: It’s ok, friends. You may both shit. You do not need to be formal with-ah me.

Bill (whispering to Denise): I think he means “sit.”

(both sit down)

Satoru: Good, good. I am very very excited for having you on Nintendo of Americas. Both of you two wirr make exemprery asset to company. Great backgrounds of you means ah-big success for Nintendo.

Denise: Nintendo has already achieved great success under your leadership, Mr. Iwata. We can only wish to maintain that success and push it to new limits.

Satoru: I rike you, Denithe. You have pretty orient rooking feature on your face. Your eyes like mine. Do you have Japanese in you?

Denise (blushing): Thank you for your compliments, sir. No, I do not.Satoru: Ah, maybe you come to Japan for visiting. I teach you in two weeks Japanese. You stick with me, I rub off on you good!

Denise (whispering to Bill): What the hell did he just say?

Bill (whispering): Just keep smiling and nod!

Satoru: I rub off on many peoples. Anyone who around me rong times get rubbed off by me. Great readership requires being around great readers. I am great reader. And you can be great readers too! Both-ah bring excellent quarities from previous work. Denise, you worked at the Reeboks. Reeboks very very important for Nintendo. Reeboks very athretic. Wii very athretic. You find ways to make Wii Sports and Reeboks work together.

Denise: Sir, my non-compete agreement forbids me from having any corporate business dealings that involve the shoe industry. However, I assure you that I can implement successful marketing strategies to capture a broader range of customers with current and upcoming products.

Satoru: I want the REEBOKS! You not hear what I say? Why you think I hire you? For orient eyes and round chocorate behind? Maybe I did, but I need-ah the Reeboks! You make me happy one ways. One, get me Reeboks. Merger, co-partnership, or buyout. Anything ress is game over!

Denise: O….K…..

Satoru: And you, Birr. You come from great-ah company of Whirpoo. Nintendo and Whirpoo have many thing in commons. First, both make machine. Second, Whirpoo machine go round and round, just rike Wiimote!

Bill: Yes sir. I, uh, see the connection.

Satoru: Your position is simpre. Find way for Wii to make Ratinos speak Engrish so funny. Maybe new game Wii Arphabet Spanish Editions teach them? Arways they make words very very rong. Like-ah, “hey hoooooooooooooooooooormes” or “que pastaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” I have hard time understand. You know what I meaning?

Bill: Ummm, yeah, I sometimes feel the same way.

Satoru: Good good. You speaking Latin American, right Birr?

Bill: Well, I did complete two years of it in college.

Satoru: That is why you best candidate! Many peopres try to get you job. But you won the erection, we give you job!

Bill: Gee thanks.

Satoru: Friends, it is the time has come. I must go to press conference in Osaka. We promoting new srogan for Wii: “Ret’s pray with me!” You rike? I do. I wish you best of ruck. You make Nintendo good. You make me moneys. Thank you for you support.

(screen turns to static)

Denise: Wow.

Bill: There’s got to be an opt-out clause in our contract somewhere.

Denise: No, we’re locked in for a minimum of five years unless terminated.

Bill: Well, the good thing is that he lives in Japan. I don’t think we’ll deal with him ever again.

Denise: I hope you’re right…