So Real Soccer 2009 is by far the best game ever released for the iPhone….ever. Who could have ever thought that the power of FIFA ‘08 could be harnessed into a measly little application for a touch screen, non-gaming handheld device? About 200 teams, real players, real stadiums, real everything. And the controls are ridiculously simple. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is grab my iPhone, crawl back into bed, and play two matches of RS09. My team of choice? Atheniakos, which is the unlicensed version of the Greek A-League team Panathinaikos. And of course, my morning is not a good one unless one of those two matches is Atheniakos vs Piraeus (the unlicenesed version of Greek A-League team and Panathinaikos rival, Olympiakos) and I demolish them 4-0 and get at least one red card taking out that bastard midfielder of theirs Djordjevic.

What’s really neat about this game is that you have a variety of Cups to compete in, including the European Cup, the UEFA Cup, the World Cup, the American Cup, the Asian Cup, and the African Cup. And if you don’t want to do those cups, they have league championships such as the English, French, Spanish, German, and Italian leagues. The sound quality is pretty good, considering it’s on an iPhone. You can even hear those screaming loud soccer chants coming from fans in the stadium. Gameplay is very easy however the controls could be a bit more responsive. I found it hard to control when quick reflexes and near-instantaneous changes in player direction were needed. If Gameloft could increase the sensetivity of the D-Pad to allow for more fluid and quicker control of the player, it would be greatly appreciated. Real Soccer 2009 is by far the best $9.99 deal out there right now. If you don’t have an iPhone, it’s available for Xbox 360, Nintendo DS, PC, Wii, and N-Gage. Everyone knows that FIFA ‘08 and Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 sucked major donkey balls. RS09 definitely is better than them. It will definitely keep me good company until FIFA ‘09 comes out, which supposedly has less suck than FIFA 08.

After spending a few weeks trolling the Star Trek Online forums, I’ve come to realize that some people there are really fucking weird… The following quote is an actual post from the forums:

ummm… let me think…. YEA!!! if i get a touch screen computer… i will definitely have an LCARS mod for it!

Don’t forget to ask to be beamed up to Masturbation Station while you’re at it. If this was Star Trek, you’d be the red shirt guy. But aside from the hardcore geekiness, there’s the hardcore virgin horniness:

Who’s the Hottest Trek Babe?

Man Argument part 1: Ezeri Dax or Jadza Dax …. Discuss

Hottest TOS babe

There isn’t a day that goes by where a debate breaks out on whose tits were firmer, Jeri Ryan’s or Jolene Blalock’s. But females are not to be intimidated by this. There’s a few threads for your personal pleasure too:

For the girls, Who´s the hottest star trek captian

There’s even one for the homosexuals:

Am I the only Gay in the Multiverse?

And one for the confused:

Who’s the hottest non-male/non-female Star Trek character?

In essence, it’s been about a month since STO was “relaunched” by Cryptic and already the fans are running out of things to talk about. They’re combing every portion of the Star Trek Universe for things to talk about, including:

How Do You Want Your Tricorder to Work?

Cryptic’s screenshots didn’t spark much discussion, except for a huge debate regarding the graphics. This game needs a jolt of content…FAST! I’m officially afraid to visit the STO forums now, thanks to al this. I advise everyone else to avoid them at all costs.

After the enormous success of this site’s first “season” of existance I’ve decided to bring it back for a second season. This time, it will have nothing to do with what it used to be about. Plain and simple, this is where I will chronicle my gaming career. So pretty much a blog about whatever I see fit regarding gaming. Hell, I might see it fit to include a visit from our good friend Satoru Iwata, you never know. Right now I just resubscribed to Lord of the Rings online after a one-year hiatus. But that won’t be the only game I’ll write about, even though it’s full of interesting stories:

Reporting news is an arduous thing. It requires a lot of time and dedication. I have neither. It’s hard enough keeping up with regular news in the game industry, it’s even harder falsifying that news in a timely fashion. So I’m going to take a slightly different approach on things. I’m keeping the funny, and removing the news. Pretty much this site will be satirical commentary and funny shit. To give you an example, two older posts on this site, this on and this one, are great examples of what this site is going to be like. In fact, this site got a bit sidetracked, because that was the original vision. And yes, the original vision was to get sued for slander and libel. Stay tuned. More content. Less news.

Everyone knows that gamers don’t get laid. But what happens when a gamer pays a prostitute $75 for a quickie? He gets Herpes. Visit Game-Nerds.net and get the same end result while saving yourself $75.

Gibson guitars is suing Wal-Mart and every other company affiliated with the production and sale of Guitar Hero 3. In the meantime, Fender is talking about designing a Guitar Hero 4 Stratocaster. It seems like anything with the Gibson name is prone to making stupid decisions, whether it be suing companies for creating a guitar to going on a tirade of drunken Antisemitism.

…rich fanboys. Why spend $4000 on a Crystal-iced Wii when you can get a first class blow job from Ashley Alexandra Dupré? Eliot Spitzer did it…

BioWare told us at it’s dialog production session at GDC:

Deer Mackrosuft,

Next times yous shows XNA kiosx at GDC, plz use Xboxies that wurkz.

kkthxbye

Do you want to tour a major city with 325 horsepower at your disposal? Do you want to get happy feelings when you perform civic duties? Do you want to turn the tables on your childhood and make others chase the bus instead of you having to chase it every day while the crazy busdriver chanted “faster, fatboy, faster”? Well you soon will be able to fulfill these dreams with the upcoming bus simulator! Continue Reading »