Last week, on a chilly Chicago afternoon, I was walking from campus to Union Station. It was windy, as usual, but the not so warm temperature of 50 degrees ensured that everyone was wearing a jacket. As I passed outside the Federal Reserve, there was this decent looking girl with a clipboard standing on the corner. We made eye contact. She smiled. I smiled back. We were captivated in that moment in time. We had a bond. Then she asked me if I wanted to sign a petition to stop global warming. The bond was broken. And thereafter, so was her neck. She was a prime example of a “beautiful bimbo.” First off, if you’re stupid enough to think a petition to stop global working is going to work, or even be remotely effective, you’re a dumbass. Second, if you’re going to try to get signatures for that petition, don’t do it on a chilly spring day. For some reason the fact that it was mid-May and the temperature was 50 degrees makes it a tad bit less believable that global warming is actually an issue. Instead, it just shows that the real issue is common sense and the lack thereof in this individual.

Let me repeat myself: there is no possible way you can stop global warming via a petition. The only way to reduce (not stop) the effects of global warming is by increasing energy costs. That’s right, if you’re bitching about paying at most $4 per gallon for gas, get ready to start bitching about this idea. Gas should be at least $10 per gallon, if not more. Illinois residents are bitching about energy price hikes because the 20 year energy rate freeze is finally over. Fuck that, I want to see utility bills break $1000 for a single family home.

Now before you disregard this because you have your head up your ass, consider the following. The leading “polluters” in the world, aka the leading causers of global warming are not individuals, but corporations. If you’re a little dick 40 year old Hummer driving asshole, your contribution to global warming is miniscule compared to what corporations churn out. Let me put it this way…1.2% of the total U.S. electrical consumption comes from companies powering and cooling their servers (source). That’s 1.2% just to operate a bunch of fucking computers. And you know what’s even crazier? It is estimated that 30%-60% of that energy actually goes to waste. With that knowledge alone, you can only imagine how much of the U.S. energy consumption is actually attributed by companies, and not individuals.

Energy costs are slowly becoming a larger and larger chunk of a company’s budget. If we increase energy costs tenfold, companies will shit bricks. An era of energy innovation will be spurred like no other. Millions, if not billions of dollars will be dumped in the R&D departments of companies in order to find effective and efficient alternatives to oil, coal, and natural gas. The alternatives already exist, they just don’t exist in an economically efficient manner. Hybrid cars still cost more than a gas version. You don’t see windmills providing electricity to metropolitan areas. Hydrogen power is only now being harnessed. And you still need a shitload of solar panels (many football fields worth) in order to power a single data center. Increasing energy costs will force companies to research and use alternative energy sources, instead of using their “pollution credits” as a way to dupe the government into saying they’re “eco-friendly.” Make those fuckers run on rice instead of coal. Once the companies take the first step and lead the way, the consumers will follow. So write to your local congressmen…do the world a favor and petition for higher energy costs.