If I Was President of the U.S.A.
First, I will command that all vehicles that consume a petroleum-based product must be decomissiioned within a year. Anyone producing or driving such a vehicle will get a very big fine and jail time. Next, I will command that vehicles must now run on hydrogen power. So, all vehicles after a year better be running on fuel cells or else. Well, now people are bitching cause they have to go buy new cars. No worries my fellow Americans! You can TRADE IN your gas-guzzler for an environmentally friendly fuel cell car for FREE! Of course, I will pay all the expenses to the auto industry with all the surplus cash I will have that Bush saved up for the war.
People are starting to like me worldwide, cause I’ve just greatly reduced global warming. The U.S. is now being known as the “green” nation, because the air all of a sudden is so damn clean there (except for the factories, but i’ll get to them soon enough). Everyone is happy with me except Big Oil. They’re furious. Well douchebags, too bad. Instead of making $300 billion per year from now on, you will have to settle with $10 billion per year. Greedy bastards. I will impose regulations on oil, allowing it only to be used in the production of petrochemical based products. Thats still a big friggin chunk of what we use today, so Big Oil, stop crying.
Next up is the factories. Stop producing so much smog and pollution. Reduce your emissions by half or else you get fined. There.
OK, the economy still isn’t fixed. Thats why I’m gonna devote a big chunk of the budget to technology. Scientific technology mostly. Research and Development is now assigned to find ways to make our lives better by being more efficient, effective, and clean. I want those factories to run on something safe within 10 years, not on Coal. So get working. Well, the rise in the tech industry will cause a huge opening for jobs. More jobs = more money. More money more spending. Therefore, the economy will recover.
OK, i’ve solved terrorism, environmental issues, and the economy so far. OK, and now for crime. Every day someone gets shot. Guns are a big problem. We can’t make guns illegal cause they’ll just be smuggled in. We can add tracking devices to guns and bullets, but that still won’t prevent the murder. “But we can find exactly who the killer is!” Good for you, the victim is still dead. Now get back to the R & D department and find a way to ressurect people. So, here are a few simple solutions.
- Cops should have the right to shoot your ass if you run from them. If you’re a cop and you’re pointing a gun at a guy and say “freeze, you’re under arrest!” and the guy says, “fuck that” and runs you should be able to shoot him. Well, in the leg or something. Make the fucker think twice.
- Murder should be punishable by death. And i don’t mean like “wait on death row for 10 years” How long does it take to charge up an electric chair? Not 10 years. If a guy is found guildty for murder, he should be executed within the week of conviction. Why do you think nobody steals in Arab countries? If you get caught stealing, they chop off your hand. Kill the fuckers so they won’t murder any more. I don’t care if your wife kicked you in the nuts, or someone raped you. Your nuts and an abortion are not worth a human life
- Legalize drugs……and then tax the living shit out of them. You’ll have all your teenagers going, “Awwwww snap, pot is legal man, that’s so awesome! Lets go get high while listening to Dave Mathews dude!” And then impose a 500% tax on it. “Wanna go get some weed, bro?” “Hell no man, that shit costs like $1500 per eigth!” That’ll teach them. Of course, there will be the feins who will spend that much, but who cares. They end up on the streets anyway, so they’re not taking anyone’s job or money (unless youre a sucker and you give them money cause they tell you they have polio or something).
- Just to reinforce #2, Chris Rock made a very good suggestion. Make each bullet cost $5000. Nobody is gonna go spend $5000 just to kill someone. And if they do, they will die anyways.
Education: I’m sick of this “undereducated” argument lower class communities are giving. From now on, i’m regulating teachers pay. In fact, i’m regulating their degree’s too. In order to teach, you must have a PhD from a specialized Teaching College which I will erect (and it will be run by harvard educated professors). Every teacher will be paid the same amount of $70,000 per year. That way, they all get the same pay wherever they go, and have the same level of education. I will increase spending on education so all schools can have books and learning materials. If needed, i will take away from the rich schools so the underprivaledged schools can get what they need for a successful learning environment.
Health Care: Copy what Canada is doing.
As a reformer, I have successfully fixed this nation and increased our status in the eye of the world. The Anti-American sentiment has gone down (although if you’re gonna go to a different country and be a cocky bastard, and you get jacked, beat up, lynched, or whatnot, don’t expect the US Embassy or the US Government to intervene). The world is now a cleaner place, although not necessarily a safer place. Our country is more secure and safe. People are able to excersize their rights again without the fear of the Patriot Act and its Nazi ways. The military is unchanged, except for the fact that it is no longer fighting a war where Big Oil and rich people are sacrificing lives in order to increase their profits. Now, as I sit back and relax and watch this country thrive, I command that a few Hollywood hotties be escorted to my office so I can…test their performance skills.
